bilboard

A blur up ahead.
A billboard:
“Did you think about the children?
Did you?”
Did you?
You can’t remember;
You’re lying in bed though,
wondering.
‘Whose children?’

Sometimes, listening to instrumentals
on my way to sleep
I hear the music talking.
Words in the notes.
I find this happening just as I
cross the line into sleep
and suddenly come to,
focus on the sound
try to recall the words,
but just as in reading a sign
in a dream,
the exact words,
even the message
fail me.


Last night it happened again.
The piano notes were talking to me
In German?
I don't remember what they were saying.
Suddenly the CD stops and
pop songs start.
I hadn't touched the computer
Sometimes my brain does that
Someone whispers as I fall asleep
and he must have also changed the music.
I sit up
start seeing things
shapes, animals, things from childrens' books
and flip out.
But part of me, or the non-fucked-up
me
is still lying in bed.

One of me, I lose track of which
sees all sorts of designs,
patterns in the air,
moves towards the door.
The other one keeps signing along.
Which one is real?
The wrong music is in both scenes,
I think
It's so confusing.

Back to the floor-me, the sane-me,
non-singing, non-supporting of the
bad music,
I can barely see the floor for
the darkness and
the hallucinations.
A little man,
size of my hand
is running towards the wall.
I blink, he grows MORE vivid.
I am dubious; he's so small!
I reach out.
'poof?'
No, I can FEEL him.
holy fuck what is going on?!

I run next door, they're still awake.
3:11am
"Help!"

But I'm still singing to the songs, floating
Now I think the songs are the real me
The nextdoor me is fake.

But I am next door and they comfort me.
I tell them about the other me
the hallucinations
the fear
the fear,
no escape from myself
afterall.
the fear
It's all in my head!
but I can't detatch it.

It's all so weird
I can't control it
I lost contact with myself
Both of them
flipping back and forth
which is real?
Whom do I trust?
Me? or the other me?

I sleep naked
And forgot my bathrobe.

singing singing, dancing, convulsing
seeing faces in the wall,
colors in the darkness
it's beautiful and blinding
and horrific
and not me
but my natural state
no one else's
MINE
and i would die without it
but i can barely hold on with it
someone whispering in my ear
but I keep singing!

the boys next door try to help
i fight through the visions to see them
reach out
touch their wall
confirm
We have a video camera set up
look in my room through the lens,
swing it around
to find me at the computer
i flip out
I am in their room
yet i am in the other room
it is digitally recorded now!
proof!
watching me convulsing, singing
so hideous, but it's me
and i have no control
no power
over her
over me
Besides, i'm standing naked in their room.
josh does an impression
of the other me, funny.
at least the guys are real

i plead with josh
"Please, help, anything, I am
terrified..."
The other me, the wrong me...
there are two
please, so scary
she's thrashing, watch her
but that's me, in the other room
I squeeze Josh's knees tighter
then

horror of all horrors,
the me in their room is not the real me!
Have i divulged any secrets to her?
when will I find the real me?
if that wasn't me...

i am back-in-my-bed me
the me in their room, what is she doing now?
in the bed,
floating upwards
Josh?
I clench harder
Lying in my bed
I am crossing my arms around me
Josh fades to nothing as I lie there
legs crossed in mockery of what I had thought
was really real

no line between dream and reality
just a two-minute, painful
slow
death
of the dream-hallucination
Still clenching, I reach out
with my ears
to hear the music

Piano again.
thank god.
still talking,
but I wake up enough
to get past the voice
but my legs,
I uncross them to find they were never crossed
I straighten my arms to find them
already at my sides.
Clock: 1:32am

Dare I leave the bed?

Music off, I find Josh, tell him what happened
but as the sleep aids kick in
30 minutes after he leaves,
I still see owls in the shelves,
hear someone singing in my ear
whispering things to me
tempting.
I cannot believe I was alone that night.

But back to the billboard.
I certainly did not think about
the children.
Did you?