flailing piano

I just had the most epic fail of my musical life! I played in the Law School's Battle of the Bands/talent show and played piano, this one piece (play in background? I sound a bit diff) I've played so many times. In front of so many people. I've been performing it in front of audiences large and small for over 10 years, probably in front of over 3000 people. And tonight, I couldn't play it. I was fine during my warm up, sound check and first few notes. Steady, calm. But then. I saw the light out of the corner of my eye. The drunken pub crowd stilled itself and miraculously hushed down -- the audience was now captive, caught in my steady embrace. Welcomed. I noticed the sound was a little too loud, and that I missed a note by a quarter beat. It's ok, keep playing.



My left hand started to shake. This happens once in a really long while, all good, play through it. But then my right hand missed two notes in a row, and my left hand got out of control: I could no longer control it. I tried playing through this setback -- it's a great peice, lets me improv and mask errors -- but my left hand was worthless, shaking, strobing in the harsh spotlight. The world faded away, focussing all else on my spasming southpaw. Quake and shiver! Tremor and jiggle! It was gone, lost, beyond my bidding. What to do? I thought recklessly as I faked the music now, completely oblivious to what I should be sounding like, to what I was sounding like. What do I do? Do I quit? I'd pressed on long enough, music playing in the background to my mind stumbling, hand stumbling. Continuing was not an option.

I stopped.

I looked to the MCs, tried to say the keyboard was wobbling, couldn't explain my shaking. "Sorry guys, I'm in the middle of writing a paper!" I said to the crowd, praying for sympathy. The MCs kindly urged me on with niceties and a few people cheered. I smiled and started to play again.

Oh again how I trembled, my left hand seizuring on the keys, trusted keyboard, trusted 88 black and whites I have known as long as I could dress myself! And now I shook and jived, wobbled and erred. My left hand was a blur of erratic movement and the music was deteriorating rapidly. I concluded the piece as quickly and gracefully as I could (it is all improv in the middle), and then immediately exited stage right. I actually fled the scene. Not mortified but confused as to why my beautiful, steady, companionate left hand had committed this treason.

In the other room of the pub, random audience members said "That was really great!" or "At least you are good looking" (this took my confusion to an entirely new level) or "that was beautiful" but they were doing that thing where a first-grader goes to do the school play and forgets his line and everyone thinks it's cute; the praise was not because I had played well. Still, if hearts were lifted, it was a success.

I found my friends in the back, outside smoking and drinking and chatting. "Oh hey Michi that was really good!" They are excellent friends. For everything else, I am utterly confused.